Me and my (toy)BOY(friend)
I know what I’m talking about, trust me! I’ve been there done that.
I was 39 and he was 26. We met during our study time. It took us about a year to understand that we were more than just friends or classmates. We were used to learning together, met every day at the university, went out for a “drink” after school. Spent weekends together, spent evenings on the couch talking and talking. He was singing and playing the guitar for me. I never thought that is ever going to be more than this wonderful extraordinary friendship. I felt so safe and cosy when he was around. I knew he was my soul mate. The way he talked the way he felt, it was so familiar. I felt like home.
One night we went out, his room mate, him and myself. It was his room mates birthday. At a certain point I was tired and wanted to leave. As I was a little tipsy, I’ve decided to stay in the city, in his apartment (at that time I was living in the suburbs of Vienna). I slept there a few times before, but in his room mate’s room. This time, for whatever reason , I went in his room and fell asleep on his bed. Later on that night he came and we knew that something has changed. From that day on we were kind of a couple. We never talked about our relationship status. Everything felt so natural and light. We were so light footed, light hearted, happy and we had so much fun with each other. Every day was a wonderful decision to spend the day with each other, easy going and joyful. And they lived happily ever after…It was like a fairy tale, but this isn’t a happy end kind of story.
At that time I wasn’t the person I am today. I was not the woman I’m today… I was insecure, had low self confidence and did what I was used to doing my entire life: run away when I feel insecure.
I felt too old for him. What are people going to think? What would they say? I was thinking about the future, I was looking at my wrinkles and was asking myself if he can see them… I wanted to get married, to have a child. I was in love head over heels! I panicked and In my insecurity I pushed him away. I told him that I met someone else, someone my age and I am ending whatever we had.
I know that I broke his heart. I didn’t know any better.
I know what you want to know… YES, I missed him. Every single day. He is my soul mate.